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I don't actually know where to start or why am I doing this. But technically I know why I am here... 

I don't actually open up to anyone, but things are getting heavier, so I ended up here. I mean why not?

I am suffering from anxiety and depression. You see, people who don't suffer in this kind of condition or these horrible monsters at the back of your head will not really understand what it really is and how it really feels like. I myself who's battling with this shits can't even explain why? or how?

Even if I wanted to explain it, I can't make it simpler. There's no exact word to describe it. I don't even know when it started.. It's a total disaster.

In many situations people will ask you like,

"Why are you sad?" 
 - at the back of my mind I will answer, I don't know. Because I really don't know God d*mn it! I don't know what's making me sad, does it has to do with things? with certain situations? or with certain person? or words that has been said? I really don't know. Do you think that if I said it out loud they will understand me? will I make sense? So it's easier to just simply answer. "nothing."

"Are you okay?"
- I am not okay! Can't you see? Can't you feel me? Can't somebody notice what is going on with me? I need help. Help me find my way out from this horrible feeling! 

"What is happening to you/ What is wrong with you?"
- Me. My thoughts. My fears. My anxiety kicking in and everything that is happening in my head all at once.

"I don't know how to make you happy already."
- I don't know either. I don't know what will make me happy too and it's frustrating believe me. Because if that will be easy for me to do, I already did. That is what I just really wanted to happen after all. To have a genuine happiness. To not fake a smile finally. I'm tired pretending that I am happy when I am really not.

"Cut it out! Everything will be okay."
- I wish you knew what is running on my mind.

Look, there is more to it. People who suffers from this kind of condition will just literally shut their self off to people or to any situation. Because of the fear of rejection. They don't have enough energy to explain their selves because of the thought of "you will never understand."

There is more than being sad, there is more than being overwhelmed to any kind of situations, there is more than the fear of being rejected, of not being loved back of the people who means the world to you, of being not enough, the thought of people who can't appreciate you and the thought of being alone even if there are people who really cares for you, but no one could actually help. Often times they will compare you to anyone who has the same activities like you, same work or has the same busy sched like you do.
"He/She always have the time to communicate"
"He/She don't forget about us"
"He/She is very good in this, in that blah blah"
Well here is the fact, He/She(s) not me. We don't share the same condition. He or she doesn't have a mental illness like I do. I want you to understand that I am unique and I can't do everything what a normal people can do.

The thing about depression/anxiety disorder is that you know it is stupid. You know with all of your heart that it wasn't a big deal and that it should roll off you. But that is where the disorder kicks in; suddenly the small thing is very big and it keeps growing in your head, flooding your chest and trying to escape from under your skin. You know with all of your heart that you are being ridiculous and you hate every minute of it. The fact that many people don't recognize or have patience for your illness only makes everything worse.

Yes we are not normal. We see the world in different way. We notice things normal people don't. Most of the time we are silent.

Silence speaks. But it only depends on how much are you willing to listen to it.




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  2. Agree with you, i know how it feels and the hard part for me is when they push me and said "You can do it, because you are a strong girl". Feels tired. :'(
    Silent doesn't means that there is nothing to said.
    https://la-lilyofthevalley.blogspot.co.id/

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